 |
|
How to use The Book of Temptations
3: Private instruction Trouble with that significant other? No problem! Take down the Book of Temptations from its high shelf, unwrap it from its golden cloth, and read aloud copiously until your insensitive/uncaring/unhelpful better half is shamed into giving you the items you have subtly requested. Never fails.
4: Public instruction This serving suggestion is suitable for the workplace, a crowded bus, train or tube, an A&E waiting room etc. Taking out the Book of Temptations from your bag, attract attention by making a loud and commanding ‘Woo-woo-whoop!’ sound. Open the Book and declaim individual temptations, as inspiration strikes you, occasionally brandishing or pounding the open Book in a manner that expresses commitment, remembering to intermittently establish eye contact with the crowd. After you have their full attention, you may invite requests.
5: Career advancement & examination success Spice up otherwise unbearably dull high level business reports and presentations, health and safety bulletins, university coursework, homework etc with liberally inserted, temptations from the Book of Temptations. Inspire even the thickest audience, so you ‘make that sale’ or ‘get those grades’!
6: Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, other awkward occasions - 1 The Book of Temptations is designed to be given as a gift to cool people on all notable occasions, superseding all previously acceptable gifts. Say goodbye forever to standing around drunk in M&S at 4.30pm on Christmas Eve, buying anything frilly with a receipt attached to it. The Book of Temptations may also be given to uncool people, in the likely expectation that it will make them cool. Remember – this book contains powerful magic. The Book of Temptations should also be given to ‘humourless bastards’, and to the easily offended, when other forms of less thought-provoking offence pale.
7: Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, other awkward occasions - 2 An obvious way to use the Book of Temptations is to take advantage of its handy numbering system to alert friends, family members (including difficult aunties), work colleagues etc to your gift requirements. What could be simpler – just give them the numbers! This is also particularly useful for the text set (see also below).
8: Advancing by imitating the action of Chinese Gordon General ‘Chinese’ Gordon, otherwise (somewhat confusingly) known as Gordon of Khartoum, was never perplexed by the problem of how to spend his day. He simply opened a copy of his Bible at random, poked the page with his finger, and did whatever the poked words told him to do. In today’s modern world, however, one may frequently find oneself in a position where no traditional Bible is readily to hand. The solution? The Book of Temptations, of course! Simply pull it from its handy resting place (you may decide you need to have several copies strategically located for this purpose). Open – point – read - act.
9: Public poetry readings As the world’s foremost work of both proto- and meta-literature, the Book of Temptations is more than simply one long continuous oral poem, though of course it may be read as such (see below). It is also an authentically holographic poem. This means that any selected section may be designated as an independent poem, and read aloud as such. For example, many beginners may start their public poetry career by reading Nos. 3998-4007. (Hint for this canto: begin strongly, allow a hypnotic, almost droning rhythm to develop through 4001-4004, then change pace quickly over 4005-4007 to indicate mounting passion and even hysteria... finally drop the pace and your tone to conclude with a faux-bathetic No. 4008.) This relatively short poem of 11 lines is ideal for your first public reading. As your feeling for the material develops, you should progress to reading a section of 37 lines. A good example would be No. 3853 (begin with quiet confidence) to No. 3890 (conclude with a flourish). (You might also decide to allow just the hint of uncertainty to creep into your voice, as you simultaneously lower your tone while reading No. 3886.) Your ultimate challenge is to perform the entire work, nos. 1-10097, in one session, without the benefit of having the Book in front of you. This should ideally take place when your audience is in good humour and filled with grease and mead. The performance may be interrupted at ‘half time’ by a ceremony instituted to establish the fidelity or otherwise of the young blonde wife with the plaits.
10: A boon for the text set Instead of wearing out their thumbs, the smart texting set can now communicate (and tempt each other) simply by keying in a simple number between 1-10097. YRU8ING?
11: Secret messages As John le Carre fans will recall, spies frequently leave messages using ‘dead letter boxes’. Typically, these may be located behind easily dislodged bricks, or in the toes of apparently discarded six-inch heeled stiletto shoes ‘lost’ in undergrowth (open-toed sandals should not be used). The main problem here is that, should the messages be discovered and the code broken, both the message leaver and recipient are likely to be ‘pulled in’ and subsequently have their testicles or female equivalent mercilessly tortured in an unpleasant and persistent manner. Step forward the Book of Temptations! You can now leave messages in simple, uncompromising number format, relating to a temptation approximating to the message you wish to communicate. This puts a powerful tool into your devious hands: a code which cannot be cracked by the goonish, and so inevitably uncool, enemies of freedom, bearded weirdos and agents of foreign powers. MI5 and MI6 development stipends applied for.
12: Call centre comeuppance When contacted by telesales monkeys asking you how many new doors, windows and drainpipes you would like to enjoy were they all free, etc, reply that what you really want is ‘No. XXXX’ (where XXXX is your choice of temptation from your Book of Temptations). Refuse to elaborate. Tell them to buy their own copy of the Book of Temptations as part of the service they offer their valued customers, and to call you back only when they have done so.
13: Phone number divination Take a close look at your friends’ phone numbers. At some point you will detect a run of numbers – from a low number such as 1 to a high number such as 10,097 – which will indicate, in each individual case, your friend’s susceptibility to particular temptations. This system of divination can also be used with social security, tax code and passport numbers. These may be easily obtained from the usual websites for a reasonable cost, courtesy of HMRC.
14: Shrink your shrink bill Are you one of those women who is very, very good ‘in bed’, top totty at all the latest fashions, but also somewhat ‘highly strung’, needing to visit a psychiatrist regularly? Would you like to cut down or even eliminate all those couchtime bills? Here’s the answer. The Book of Temptations is a repository of the entire human unconscious mind (as popularised by Jung). Simply read through it, ticking the temptations that resonate. Meditate on these, or ask a girlfriend you can trust (within reason) to interpret them for you. In no time at all, you’ll be right as rain – with plenty more money left in your purse (or g-string if lapdancer). And, as an added bonus, the Book of Temptations is NOT shrink-wrapped... saving you time on opening it, while also saving your nails.
15: Play Mornington Crescent The evergreen game of Mornington Crescent may be played using an official selection, or all, of the 10,097 temptations your favourite book offers (these act in lieu of London underground stations). This provides a relatively simple variant of the game which, while it may be relished by experts, is also highly accessible to novices. It is important, however, to note that: * The purpose (clearly) is to arrive at Temptation No. 10097. The winner is the first person to announce ‘No. 10097’. Extra points may be awarded for passing number 1097. * Moves may by made using Temptation number sequence, either progressively or recessively (loop play is assumed) (progression or recession is via interpolated arithmetic or geometric ratios only). Less commonly – but sometimes to devastating effect – page or even chapter numbers may by used, or both in combination. This is something like pressing the ‘hyper’ button in the 1970s game of Asteroids. * A popular variant involves restricting play to moves dependent on Fibonacci ratios. * Full rules of the original game are available in NF Stovold’s Mornington Crescent: Rules and Origins. Representations for formal affiliation of the Book of Temptations are currently lodged with the International Mornington Crescent Society (IMCS). Over to you... Any more serving suggestions? Or stories about how grandly the Book of Temptations has changed your life, showering you with astounding good fortune? Let us know at temptme@bookoftemptations.com
|
web design: sloopit.co.uk